ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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