He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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