according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
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Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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