I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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