found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
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the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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