you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
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He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We smell like vodka and hangover
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