I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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