It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
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Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
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I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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