all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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