im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
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Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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