Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize