awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
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I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
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Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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