yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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