The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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