At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
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Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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