Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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