so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
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I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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