if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
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The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
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In other news, I just burned my penis
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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