I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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