Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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