also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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