Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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