someone threw a dead crab at me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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