Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
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No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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