I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
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Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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