splinters make it hard to masturbate
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
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Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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