im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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