im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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