Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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