He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
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I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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