It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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