a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
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The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
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You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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