She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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