dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
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The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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