So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
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Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize