I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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