Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
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The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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