Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
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You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
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THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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