why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
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my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
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why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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