Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
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I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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