Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize