Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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