Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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