I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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