Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
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The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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