found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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