sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
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Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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