This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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