so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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