A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
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Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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